“Stop Kicking Me in the Crotch!”

Yes, I said it.

And I said it with anger. BECAUSE…I was simply trying to sleep and the little angel who crawled into bed with me because of her nightmares kept doing it…over…and over…and over. And we were even sleeping back to back! What the heck?! Who kicks backwards while they’re sleeping?

Context: Vivi loves to “snuggle buggle.” In fact, it’s her favorite thing to do. But not just snuggle, she wants skin to skin contact. She’s always been like this for as long as I can remember. Maybe it’s because we co-slept (so I could just sleep before work). Maybe she’s just a weirdo. But, whenever she snuggles, one thumb goes in her mouth and she slips the other hand under the bottom of my shirt. She used to try to do it in the front, on my stomach, but my self-conscious self broke her of that habit real quick (seriously, who wants a hand rubbing all over their stretch-marked, left over pregnancy skin?)

So, she usually starts rubbing the skin on my back. Fine, I’m used to it. It’s her comfort and it’s kinda nice for me because her skin is super soft, too, and it’s a nice intimate moment for us to share.

EXCEPT when she crawls into bed with me. We have a rule that she cannot get in my bed until the sun comes up (hey, I like to snuggle, too). But last night she was having nightmares and I wanted to sleep so after she got up for the sixth time (that is not an exaggeration), I told her to come to bed with me (her dad was working late and I gave him instructions to remove her from our bed when he got home). It all went fine, until she got BACK into bed this morning.

See, when Vivi is rubbing my back while she sleeps she tends to go…too far to the front…and top, if you catch my drift (if you don’t, her hand tends to wander to my boobs). So, it wakes me up and spend a few minutes clamping my arm down the side of my body so her hand can’t get to my boobs. In her sleep, she usually gives up and rolls over. Relief so I can get back to sleep right? Nope. When we are sleeping back to back it is literally spinetospine. Yes, she sleeps thisclose to me, practically on top of me. Not very comfortable, which means no sleeping for me.

And while we were sleeping back to back, she started kicking her heel back. Into my butt and crotch. It wasn’t enough that she was in my bed, feeling me up, grafting her spine to my spine. No, she had to literally kick me in the crotch. Several times. Most of the time, just as I was falling back to sleep (isn’t that how it always is, moms?)

“Move her!” you say.

“I DID!” I’ll say back.

But that little flesh seeker always scootched and squirmed her way back. So we started the whole wandering hand bit again, which naturally progressed into the sleeping back to back, which turned into her either wriggling her feet between my legs or suddenly kicking me in my netherregions. And I HATE being touched by feet. Ask my husband. So her wriggling her feet between my lower legs was just as bad as being kicked. I just hate it feet touching me. Shiver.

“Lay on your back” you say.

“I TRIED!” I’ll yell back. But, unfortunately that gives Vivi easier access to my boobs and I end up trying to fend off her advances like I’m in a bar. I’ve even tried holding the blanket down tight so she can’t get under the blanket. That’s no problem for her sleeping optimist. Her hand just wanders until she finds some kind of skin. Usually my face. Again, not so conducive to sleeping.

But the crotch-kicking and little devil feet between my legs… That’s gotta stop. I threw her legs off to the side. I put THREE pillows between us and nothing worked. I told her this morning she wasn’t going to be able to sleep in mommy’s bed anymore. She innocently asked, “Why?”

“BECAUSE YOU KICKED ME IN THE CROTCH!”

For once, Vivi didn’t follow up. I’m not sure she knows what “crotch” is. But mostly, I don’t think she’s concerned because she knows I’ll let her in my bed again.

And I will.

Toddlerbomb.

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